With hands held up and eyes cast down

In our wordy world we usually spend our time together talking. We feel most comfortable in sharing experiences, discussing interesting subjects, or arguing about current issues. It is through a very active verbal exchange that we try to discover each other. But often we find that words function more as walls than as gates, more as ways to keep distance than to come close. Often — even against our own desires — we find ourselves competing with each other. We try to prove to each other that we are worth being paid attention to, that we have something to show that makes us special.

(from Making All Things New by Henri Nouwen)

I’m so thankful that I’m giving up on myself.

You see, I’ve been speaking as though I do but living as though I don’t trust that God is Lord over everything that matters to me. My ship has been weighed down with two rudders, as my new pastor puts it — one rudder for God, and one in reserve for me whenever things don’t go as quickly or as well as I want them to. I have been anxious, afraid and angst-ridden, just doing a great job of accusing and stealing joy all by myself.

Then over the weekend, during a pre-pre-service prayer session at the church at which I’m doing my field education, it hit me — the one good thing that has come out of this. I acknowledge from the core of me now that, truly, I can do nothing to change the unchangeable. I finally surrender to the belief that my Lord will take care of me, whatever befalls. I will have zero expectations; I will take joy in each new day; I will open myself to all He loves to provide. I want the “still more excellent way”; I’d rather be part of the tapestry that matters, than end up with the rags of an impoverished tale, grasping at nothing.

So help me, Lord!

(The above realisation has been borne out of my coursework. I cannot get over how cool it is that my studies threaten to change my life every day.)


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