This week has been quite a game-changer — the week that changed everything? Not really. But it’s been a week of changes.

Sunday
Preternaturally busy. And as usual I woke up late for it! First, the welcoming service at church, followed by Sunday school. Then the last day of the Chinese (!) Alpha course — I’m going to miss my small group; it’s been wonderful getting to know yet another circle of local HKers, with their hopes, dreams, fears and faith. (Ooh, I went to Sai Kung with them for the Alpha weekend away; it was … interesting, and included the sound of lapping waves sending me to sleep, as our dorm room was perched above a shore.) Finally, I had to rush upwards and west to Yuen Long as a dinner guest on a cooking show called Cooking Ma Ma — a friend’s mum, who’s quite the chef with a heart of gold, was the focus of an episode, and I was very sweetly invited by the family to join in the fun and glory.

It turned out to be more stressful than I expected — it’s quite hard to be eloquent or even articulate in front of strangers who have to show they’re in control, I found! My first time witnessing a HK TV crew at work — I guess everyone has their ‘pressures’, and it was painful to feel I had to ‘match up’ to the bantering from the new host, a replacement for the rapper Jin. Anyway, much to my relief, when I got there, they wisely decided I wouldn’t do for the one-on-one interview, so I only had to speak up during the start of the dinner. I think I was a bit mean and rude to the host (there was another one, who did her best, but was a typical dolly doll, so was limited in the range of expressions expected from her, I think) — I could have been much nicer. Maybe I was too used to ribbing from EC’s bro, who bears a Terribly Striking Resemblance in Many Ways to the host, and felt too free with my words. Ah, words. I must learn not to wield them like swords, but beat them into ploughshares for good fruit and gain.

Monday
The last day my small group at church met for Bible study. It’s been quite a journey, ever since I took over the reins from EC and TK last … August, was it? Everything I hoped for and feared … nothing like an utter and complete falling on the grace of God to build up one’s faith; and nothing like clear and keen-eyed observation of how brothers and sisters rise and fall away to witness how direly grace is needed. I’m thankful, and humbled, by the experience. And am left with the knowledge that there is much more to be done, that can be done, and will be done.

Wednesday
My appraisal went well — that’s actually quite easy to achieve if you’re honest about giving your best, both professionally and personally, every day you spend at the office — and I still do enjoy being at work, getting things done, and being a woman of somewhat independent means. However, I felt obliged to let it be known that I thought I would head back home the following year. I don’t think it benefits me to have done this so early — I’m probably going to lose some opportunities, and that would sadden me, but I really have to do something about moving on. I sort of know in my head and heart that I can really build a career here, but I don’t feel that it’s right of me to do this far away from my parents. I guess it’d be different if I were bound by the ol’ ball and chain, as I’d be beholden to another set of responsibilities, but as it is, I feel so selfish sometimes. Whatever may be, I am deeply grateful for the time I’ve had in HK, the friends I’ve made, the self-knowledge I’ve gained, and most of all, the drawing closer to my awesome God.

Thursday
Here I am in Thursday — currently in Penang and tapping away on my brother’s weathered black MacBook. It feels good to rest my eyes on the lush tropical vegetation, the low shophouses, and of course my family. I’m in Malaysia for a younger cousin’s wedding — have been cracking jokes back at the office about how I’d have to face the question of ‘When’s it your turn?’, but I’m not really concerned. A future filled with love is what I expect, but I don’t demand it to be one of mushy romance — 30 years of books, films and imaginings can make one sick of the whole deal, actually! It’s not all about me, me, me, as defined by him, him, him. I’ve figured out at least that I’d rather put my sights on Him first and foremost, and let all things flow from there. Now just to get over the hurdle of my inane need to indulge in silly timewasters like Tower Defense (my personal favourite is Warzone). Stop focusing on feeling ‘good’, and start working on being good!

‘Tirra lirra, by the river,’ sang Sir Lancelot.

Before I utterly forget to be properly grateful: the terrible task that had lain ahead of me a mere month ago was duly accomplished at the end of November — as demanded by the powers that be, as promised by the meek minions that are, and as delivered by the great faithfulness of a sovereign God.

Relief.

Rawness.

A sliver of ecstasy.

But it is not our fate to bask for long in these times, it seems. I am promptly asked to pitch in with a flailing, wailing hailstone of a thing, and though I don’t feel much oppressed, or much afraid, I cannot help shaking my head at what seems to be … wishful thinking.

The recent victory emboldened me to ask this midstream of a rant: ‘Where is the evidence that any of what you want us to do is going to have any impact whatsoever?’

Even I know that I am too often too brusque, too churlish, too abrasive.

Perhaps I was also emboldened by the sure knowledge that my ‘rice bowl’ does not rest in their hands — I cannot conceive pledging the rest of my future to this place. Heck, I cannot even expect to plan my future for the sake of my own ends. I suppose I am emboldened by the freedom of having more than myself to live for.

Slow down. Stop. Take a breath. And think of how you don’t really need that much to be happy. That a lot of what you think you want has been shaped by those who should mind their own business. That you do need to know other people, but you need to know yourself first and your Creator more. Life is just too unpredictable and death too certain to keep putting off these thoughts to some imaginary age of relative peace and prosperity.

… being green. Or yellow or orange or red. Or as tempestuous as the sea.

Random collection of YouTube videos that have tickled me silly lately:

1. For anyone who has or have had to potty train someone … younger:

2. And I thought musicians appearing on raucous variety shows were exclusive to Chinese pop!

3. I’d still steer clear of cats, with their retractable claws and all, but this video has made me see the world through their eyes … and it all makes complete sense now. Hey, so my dog was like a cat in so many ways, with the wreckage and the mystery …

4. First in a series of a manic depressive teaching Photoshop … nothing against manic depressives, mind: love the depressive, hate the depression.

5. Back to Tiny Toon Adventures … I’ve been reminded of how much I loved them! (“We’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little looney …”) Apparently, Bugs Bunny’s personality was ’split’ in two for the show: his scheming side turned into Buster Bunny, and his screwball side became Babs Bunny. But then what does it say that Buster and Babs are supposed to be a couple?! ”Who wrote this?“

Lady Gaga isn’t the craziest thing out there right now:

Who the heck thought of wrapping guys in shiny ribbons?!